My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
