Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
