apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
