Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
