The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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