now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
