she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
