Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
