The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dick very happy bro
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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