tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize