i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
