theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
