be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
