The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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