You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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