nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
