Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
