Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
