I am puke
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
