but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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