Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
