I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
