just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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