i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
