dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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