don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
