Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
