dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And then he peed in my hair
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