its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
