WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
