I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
