I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
