Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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