Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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