Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
