Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
