it hurts more in the daytime
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
