It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
