Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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