It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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