i jhust puked up my retainher.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
