Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
