You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize