Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
