just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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