i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
