My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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