I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
