just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
