You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
