that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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