well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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