I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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