PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize