we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
