It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
