i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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