U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
