GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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