I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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