This is not my ceiling
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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