My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
