where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
