I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
