just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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