did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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