i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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