AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
