corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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