Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
